Me: “I’d like a double shot of espresso.”
Her: “So that’s two shots of espresso, right?”
After agreeing with her I realized if I didn’t clarify, then I could expect to be served two single shots. Why was she put in control of my mid-day lift? I should have messed with her by explaining a double shot really meant three shots of espresso, but that one of them was imaginary.
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Here’s a favorite I picked up at Kroger. Yeah, it’s shampoo and it’s got placenta in it. That’s okay, because it’s cute. You can tell because it’s Henna ‘n’ Placenta. Like Fish ‘n’ 
Chips. I’m not sure I want to know what animal donated its fetal lining to my hair care. Fortunately, the shampoo went on smoothly and there were no globs of blood or chewy strips that I had to comb out. (For those of you too young to remember the ad line “But don’t drink it!” it was from a shampoo in the 70s that had beer in it. I think I would prefer having hops and wheat in my hair to mouse or calf afterbirth.)
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World’s Greatest Dad (2009), directed by Bobcat Goldthwait, is about a single father raising an abusive, oversexed, out-of-control high schooler/borderline sociopath. The first half of the movie, overflowing with the son’s scorn and abuse, and the father’s resignation and quiet desperation to connect, was shocking, moving, even funny at times despite all the cringe-worthy episodes. I don’t recall ever seeing a child torment their parent so much in a movie. When the son accidentally chokes to death while beating off, the father (played by Robin Williams) uses his son’s death as an opportunity to get his own writing published under his son’s name, thus finally getting recognition (of a sort) for his own existence.
I was so caught up in the twisted relationship between the father and son that I didn’t think about the title of the movie until long after I finished watching it. “World’s Greatest Dad” is a strange choice because the movie is really about the world’s worst kid. The title is neither ironic-comedic (Robin Williams does not play a bumbling clueless dad, as I first expected) nor a straight description (he is probably not the best dad either). Why that title, then? I think it perfectly captures the heaviness of being a parent. No matter who your kid is, even an unpitiable and manipulative “douche bag” (in the words of Robin Williams), as a parent, you want a connection with them and feel responsible to some degree for their happiness. The scene of Robin Williams discovering his son’s body is so full of grief it’s horrifying; it’s all the worse because his son’s whole life was a tragic joke, now with no second chance of a normal, happy life or connection with his dad. Even though Robin Williams’ character is not a failure at life and love, I’m sure he feels like one.
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I have loved Indian food.
And I have always been very intimidated to try cooking it.
My friend Barney, who is a vegetarian, and just an amazing cook, can make Indian food that would make Ghandi become a glutton.
One of my favorite dishes is Chicken Tikka Masala.
Pretty involved, but most of my recipes are…that’s what makes them fun.
But another caught my eye on a food blog.
Christ, I have almost as many food blogs bookmarked as porn sites…almost.
Rasamalaysia has some great recipes, beautiful photography, and its wonderfully addictive.
So, when I saw Butter Chicken, I wasn’t impressed at first.
Until I read the ingredients.
Very much like a Masala but with a nice twist.
I made it to the recipe the first time but then added a few things.
Basically, its 2 parts.
The marinade for the chicken, and then the sauce it finishes cooking in.
It’s all very easy, just a few ingredients were tough to find.
Hopefully, there is a place that sells Indian spices near you.
If not, you might have to go to that http://www.internet.http thing I have heard so much about.
Ingredients:
4 good sized, boneless, skinless, chicken breasts
Juice of 2 lemons
A few shakes of red chili powder
2 cups thick yogurt. You can find it in Indian supermarkets.
Or maybe a greek yogurt would work too.
but then it would be a Greekian recipe…or Indieek.
Just find the right stuff.
2 tablespoons grated ginger
AT LEAST 2 tablespoons minced garlic
3 tablespoons tandoori masala
Now the spice place I went to did not have this.
So, after I straiffed the place with my nerf rifle, the owner informed me I could use Tandoori paste instead. This is just wonderful stuff! I used more than it called for…probably close to 5 tablespoons since its less concentrated than the dry version.
Now that’s the marinade.
Partially freeze the chicken so when you cube it, it cuts easier.
1 inch cubes are good, no smaller as you are going to grill them on wooden skewers that I forgot you should be soaking in water overnight.
Combine the chicken and all the other ingredients together in a bag(except the skewers…they might puncture it) and let sit overnight in this amazing bath.
The sauce can be made now or tomorrow when the chicken is ready.
6 tablespoons butter
6 cardamoms
2 cinnamon sticks
6 cloves
I large can tomato puree
1 large can crushed tomatoes
3 tablespoons tomato paste.
1 tablespoon honey…only from Floyd Lem!
2 tablespoons dried fenugreek leaves…Ha! Good luck with that one
2 cups heavy cream
Melt butter and add cardamoms, cinnamon sticks, and cloves.
Cook slowly until the butter begins to brown and spices begin cook out a little. Stir a lot to keep butter from burning.
NOT THAT MUCH!
There…thats better.
Stir in tomato paste and let cook for a few minutes, stirring all the time just to cook out the rawness of the paste.
Add the rest of the ingredients except for the cream and cook about 1/2 hour to 45 minutes.
It should start to thicken a little.
Add room temperature cream and cook on low for another 15 minutes or so.
So at this point, you have to add the chicken.
NOT YET…YOU HAVE TO GRILL IT FiRST!
Make skewers of the chicken chunks and grill on all sides until nicely cooked with some light black char marks.
Add to sauce and bring to simmer for around 1/2 an hour.
Serve over Basmati or Jasmine rice.
Perfect.
You can freeze the sauce for up to 1/4 century.
One of my new favorites.
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Tried a new restaurant last week.
Took Hilary and her mother Ann out to Dish in La Canada.
No…its not the L.A. to Canada freeway but it is in California.
Anyway, food and service were just awesome.
But what I really enjoyed was my drink.
I wanted to have a Mimosa but this other caught my eye…and what a nice surprise.
It was called a Ruby.
3 ingredients.
Champagne, fresh grapefruit juice and grapefruit infused vodka.
I am sure you could use regular vodka for this too.
What a great drink this was!
Very dry and refreshing…try it next Sunday!
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Okay, Okay…so this is my first posting in I don’t how long so I thought I would make a doozy.
Bacon Marmalade
No, seriously!
Call it Bacon jam if you want but it damn sure ain’t jelly.
So what do you put it on?
What don’t you put it on is more the question.
Potatos, bisquits, eggs, roll a tablespoon of this deliciousness in a cresent with a slice of cheese and a jalepeno slice and bake, polish your silverware, armor-all your tires, and use as a substitute for Bond-O in a pinch.
This is something that is rich and yummy, and you won’t make it just once.
You won’t make it often, but when you do, its a treat.
God, get on with it!
Okay, ingredients first.
This will sound like a big batch but it really cooks down to just a few jars.
4 lbs. bacon – center-cut, if you can find it. If you can’t, just a good lean to fat ratio will do.
4 Onions – Make them medium to large. I like yellow for this. They hold up better during the reducing than Vidalia. Chop these.
16-20 good cloves of garlic put through a press or minced very fine.
1 cup Brown Sugar (you reduce this to 3/4 cup if you find it too sweet.)
Tabasco Sauce…a few squirts.
1 cup Apple Cider Vinegar
1 cup Maple Syrup
4 cups coffee
4 Jalepenos – seeded and finely diced
Fresh gound Pepper to taste
Water…thats melted ice to you and me.
This is best done in a big dutch oven on the stove-top.
Freeze the bacon first a little as this helps to slice.
Slice in about 1/8″ strips
If you have to, cook in batches, just until the bacon starts to crisp a little.
You will be cooking again, so don’t overcook the pig.
Save the grease!
Drain the bacon and fry the onion until just getting clear.
Add the garlic just before the onions are done.
Garlic gets burned very fast and it doesn’t need much cook time here.
Drain off as much of the fat as you can, add the bacon back to the dutch oven, and the rest of the ingredients.
Bring to slow simmer and cook slowly for about 3 hours, adding a little water as you go. Maybe 1/3 cup every 45 minutes…but just watch it.
You want it to cook down but not burn.
Stir as you go and it starts to carmelize.
It will turn quite dark and then you know you are headed in the right direction.
Think consistency like a fine drywall spackle.
When you are done, let it cool to room temperature.
At this point, I put it in the fridge overnight.
In the morning, spoon off any large deposit of bacon grease and then at this point, a few decisions need to be made.
You can chop this in a food processor or just leave it like this and jar it.
Entirely up to you.
After cooking for 3 hours, it is usually broke up enough for me.
Jar this stuff up and keep in the fridge.
You can freeze it for a bit if your arteries are complaining but just remember its fresh and won’t keep forever in the fridge.
It won’t last long, its that good, really. You can’t stop eating it…EVER!
And remember, Swine is Fine!
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My latest mission to lure birds into the dove house involved hanging a seed feeder in the open doorway. It worked, but my first visitor was a hawk. It flew over my head about one foot away and really scared me. And it’s a good thing the sliding glass doors leading into the garage were left open because it flew through those just like it was planned. I darted in the house to get the kids. We ducked for cover as it flew around but when it perched we had a rare chance to see it so close. It finally found its way through both sets of doors and flew off. Later I realized it was aiming for a white dove that was so visible through the doorway.
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This was called Panang Tofu Curry before I hacked it up so I wasn’t sure what to call it now. How about Death To Skippy Tofu Curry. Yee-Hah! Bring the kids! This will make 5 servings, so if you double it your skillet will need to be massive and awesome.
2 T. olive oil
1/2 cup chopped shallots, not too fine
2 T. thinly sliced ginger root
4 garlic cloves finely chopped
1/4 cup natural peanut butter, please don’t cheat this, keep it natural, note the recipe’s name
2 t. turmeric
2 t. cumin
1 cup water
1 – 13 oz. can coconut milk
3 T. fresh lime juice
1 T. brown sugar
2 – 14 oz. packs firm tofu, drained, sliced into small cubes, and dried
4 medium to large carrots sliced
2 leeks sliced thin
1 large red bell pepper chopped
salt, ground pepper, garam masala to taste
Heat oil over medium-high heat. Add shallots, ginger, garlic. Cook until shallots are tender but keep them moving. Stir in peanut butter, turmeric, and cumin and cook about 2 minutes. Whisk in water, coconut milk, lime juice and brown sugar and bring to a simmer. Add tofu, carrots, leek and red pepper. Simmer over medium heat for 25 minutes, stirring occasionally. Season with salt (I added almost 2 t.), pepper, and garam masala (love this stuff, added two heaping teaspoons). Serve with brown rice.
I thought there was too much tofu but Gayle and the kids didn’t. If I make it again I’ll cut back on the tofu, add more carrots and red pepper and squirt in some hot chili paste. Now there’s a ‘Wednesday Night At 610 Gott’ dish to pass!
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Oi!
So here is the project I relaxed with after renovating the apartment.
I am giving you a video that shows how to fold the wrappers but don’t use his recipe because he doesn’t have a personality and he is fat. Use mine…its better!
1 whole napa cabbage or 1 1/2 green regular cabbage.
You want to shred this in a food processor with a chainsaw…make sure its a McCulloch…then put it in a sieve with some salt to draw out the water.
Let sit about an hour, then push, squeeze, press the cabbage.
2 pounds ground pork.
1 1/2 tabs(that’s tablespoons, by the way) micro planned or grated fresh ginger.
6 or 41 cloves of garlic (likes my garlic) Mince the fuckers.
1/2 or 1 cup chopped green onions…you decide.
2 tablespoons miso paste, dark if you can find it but light if you can’t. If you can’t find miso paste, move to another state – now!
1 tab(see above for trans….that’s translation) sesame oil.
1 tab crushed red pepper flakes.
1 teaspoon or 1 tablespoon brown sugar….its all dynamic…just go with it.
Some ground fresh pepper.
3 tabs(I know….just go with it) Soy sauce
3 tabs(oh fuck it) rice wine or dry white wine. Rice is better….just find it!
Dump all that shit in a big bowl and get your hands involved.
Stick in fridge overnight (fridge is short for refrigerator) covered with plastic wrap.
Remember…if the shit is cold, the pot stickers will fold.
Now to the video…
http://www.howcast.com/videos/183482-How-To-Make-a-Chinese-Potsticker
It’s really easy…I made a shitload of these in a drunken stupor listening to Counting Crows the other night. Just can’t find them now. Know I made them…maybe they will turn up when we find the bats that we lost in the house.
Oh….for dipping sauce….you HAVE to find Ponzu sauce. Look for it in the Asian section. If not, try soy with a little lemon juice but ponzu is just the best!
Freeze these fuckers and then to cook you must listen to me…don’t talk, don’t move, just listen!
Canola or vegetable oil in your frying pan. Put in potstickers, noncrimped, kinda flat side down.
Brown on 1(one)(won)(uno) side. Don’t turn!
When browned, then add in some water and steam for about 2 minutes.
Take out, put on plate, dip in sauce, fucking enjoy!
Craig’s MuthaFuckin’ Pot-godamn-stickers!
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3 Mulligans 