3 Mulligans

Here’s a favorite I picked up at Kroger. Yeah, it’s shampoo and it’s got placenta in it. That’s okay, because it’s cute. You can tell because it’s Henna ‘n’ Placenta. Like Fish ‘n’ Chips. I’m not sure I want to know what animal donated its fetal lining to my hair care. Fortunately, the shampoo went on smoothly and there were no globs of blood or chewy strips that I had to comb out. (For those of you too young to remember the ad line “But don’t drink it!” it was from a shampoo in the 70s that had beer in it. I think I would prefer having hops and wheat in my hair to mouse or calf afterbirth.)

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I know I sound like a crotchety old bastard, but is this for real? One lousy bottle of apple juice made from apples grown in 10 different countries? I’ve never been a big “buy U.S.” flag-waver, but it is pathetic that we have to import apples from all these places. I mean, it’s not like importing durian fruit or tungsten. It’s fucking apples. And from the same label is this semantic doozy: “100% juice…with other ingredients.” That’s like giving someone pure drinking water “with other ingredients.”

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This is one of my favorite food labels (and I’ve saved up quite a collection by now.) “Waves of tiny structural hair”? Ugh. Really? I just want some raspberries, please. All that structural hair makes me think of Japanese horror movies or that scene in The Fly when Geena Davis complains about Jeff Goldblum’s course back hair. And why the caveat that all those flavor droplets are held together, well, “most of the time anyway”? It really wasn’t an issue until you started making excuses for the droplet-to-whole berry ratio. I understand I’m not buying fresh berries and have to accept a certain amount of storyline with my food, but this is taking things too far.

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