It’s a good thing people have settled into the practice of repeating back orders. “I’d like a double espresso and a bottle of water.” “So, that’s a double espresso and you want the water added in to fill up the cup?” Strike three!
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When a friend or relative highly recommends a film, I already want to like it. But the real reason I wanted to like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy was that its trailer grabbed me when I saw it advertised. During the time between its theater run and its release on DVD I had heard and read so much about it, all on the positive side, building on an already high interest to see it and like it. But I didn’t, because I couldn’t catch any of what was going on. The Soviets, Hungarians, the Brits and the Americans. The plot, the flashbacks, the mole and who was gay with whom? The questions it asked added up to nothing. So at the risk of sounding dense and unable to grasp the finer things in the world of film, there you have it and there it is. At least I wasn’t the only one. Gayle also watched it. But she even went so far as to compare it to a bad James Bond film whose plot takes a backseat to the gadgets and action.
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I think this label needs no further comment:
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“I’d like a double espresso and that’s it.”
“You don’t want whip cream or water in there or nothin’?”
No, but do you have any Butterfinger bits to throw in there? Maybe we can turn it into a Blizzard with a handful of those.
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This one nearly slipped by me. “NEW” it says, but it also says, “CLASSIC RECIPE.” Most times products stating “new” will tell you just what “new” means; new flavor, new size, new packaging. Not this dark chocolate bar. It just says “NEW” and that’s that. I flipped it over hoping to find out more. The word “new” wasn’t mentioned anywhere. But I did find this:
“Lindt Classic Recipes are carefully created according to traditional Lindt chocolate recipes for exceptional richness and smoothness. Experience this unmatched chocolate delight derived from the passion and expertise of Lindt’s Master Swiss Chocolatiers since 1845.”
New!
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At the drive-through window I asked for a double espresso. “Would you like a medium or large?” She was holding up a 16 oz. cup and a 20 oz. cup. Since she seemed to prefer visuals I shook my head and made a one-inch gap with my thumb and forefinger and squinted at her through its little space. “Ah, yes,” she replied, and turned to get started. Then I heard that sound. The one that meant no one had emptied the group head until another order came in. BANG-BANG-BANG. I wondered how long the grounds sat jammed into the filter screen before I came along. After far too much time, I looked through the window to see my espresso sitting there on the counter. Just sitting, getting cooler by the second, like it was saying, “Sorry, I’m not gonna be what you ordered by the time I get in your mouth.”
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I just finished Jeff Garlin’s book My Footprint and wanted to share one of the funniest moments from the book. His rants sound a lot like mine; he just does it less often and makes them a lot funnier.
My friend Zeke, the one from Pritikin whose name isn’t really Zeke but asked to be called Zeke in this book, turned me on to Chocolate Chip Clif Bars. No, they’re not Snickers bars, but they are loaded with sugar. Yet people think they’re healthy, eating these delicious sugary bars. At least they don’t make outrageous health claims on the wrapper, like, say, Honey Nut Cheerios, which is my kids’ favorite cereal. On the box it says, “May lower cholesterol.” What kind of statement is that? Is that even a statement? “It may. We don’t know. Do you know? Who are you to argue? It may. It could clear your skin. It could. You don’t know.” They should just put on the box, “In the future, this could be money. It could. Who knows?”
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I love hearing weather reports during the summer. In a matter of minutes we go from temperatures in the 90s to “weather in the triple digits.” 90-degree weather is hot but no one ever calls that “double-digit heat.” However, when it’s 97 degrees and expected to raise just 3 more, it’s time to break out the “triple digits” and erase all those numbers falling between 100 and 999. Just like in retail when comp sales (sales comparative to the previous year) are reviewed. In weekly conference calls individual stores, districts, and regions get reminded of their performance — this store was up 5%, that store 7%, but store #271 reported double-digit comps (11%) for the third week in a row. Hooray!
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The “natural product industry”! Except for something called the “product industry,” I couldn’t imagine a broader, more meaningless label. As it is, it encompasses everything from coal slurry to smallpox.
And thankfully my product was “especially produced.” Good thing I didn’t get that knockoff crap made for the unnatural product industry.
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Funny how ordering a replacement part can become an effective way of distributing business cards for Jesus. 
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3 Mulligans 