3 Mulligans

Sometimes people complain about something they only partially understand, whether it’s politics, the music industry, the mystery of the pyramids, what “DVD” stands for, etc. “If they can land a man on the moon, blah blah blah…why do they have to lip sync Hee Haw?” They are not specialists so their arguments don’t hold as much water as someone who really knows what they are talking about. And I do this too. I’m sure that people who know more about marketing and packaging think I’m some dumb hayseed who knows nothing about government regulations and selling things. (They are right.)

However, I can’t possibly understand the label above, taken from a diner on a recent trip to Ohio. Even admitting my ignorance of marketing laws and licensing, and knowing that some subtleties of labeling exist, how can something contain milk and also be non-dairy? Sometimes just opening my eyes to peep at product labels, or going shopping at Kroger, is a deeply unsettling experience.

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Now roasted with the warmth of your hands!

It’s bad enough that someone buys “artisanal” coffee from a major chain, but to buy “hand-roasted” coffee is just gross. I’m sick of everything being “hand-Xed” even for things you can’t do with your hands. So in the spirit of MAD Magazine’s Scenes We’d Like to See, I propose the following expressions:

Now serving hand-toasted bread.
To avoid harsh sunlight, we now use hand-dried tomatoes.
Hand-watched VHS tapes now on sale.
Hand-stomped grapes just like on I Love Lucy!
Need help to get rid of hand-grown hairs in your bikini area?
Hand-tasted dump cake with cheesy frosting and Pilsbury Pull-Aparts.

Honestly, coffee beans are either roasted over heat or they are raw. There is no such thing as “hand-roasting” coffee beans, unless you are Superman. If he can make diamonds just by squeezing coal hard enough, he can probably roast a few coffee beans in his hand and pull a good shot of espresso. Barring that, please stop hand-cooking anything.

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Among all the choices of facial tissue, plain old Kleenex has always been my favorite.  It doesn’t feel washcloth-thick, has no hidden lotions or vitamins, and I don’t have to worry about getting enough action from some mysterious anti-viral, moisture-activated middle layer.  But recently its packaging changed.

I expected that tiny white trademark star to lead me to an explanation on the back, but all I found was this:

“Thicker and more absorbent” seem like tangible improvements, but Sneeze Shield®?  It’s not even implying that its use acts like a shield against sneezes, it states “with,” almost like it’s a separate thing.  Or, maybe each individual tissue comes with its own accompanying sneeze protector?  In an email here’s the company’s response to me asking, “What is Sneeze Shield®?”

“Sneeze Shield® is a special technology in all Kleenex® Tissue that helps reduce the amount of wetness that can get on hands.  It creates a shield to help minimize wetness from leaking through the tissue, while maintaining the extraordinary softness of KLEENEX® tissue.”

“This is a technology that we have been using for several years, but we have just recently begun to indicate this on the outer packaging. Boxes that now advertise this on the labeling contain the same soft yet strong KLEENEX® tissues that you know and love.”

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A: (from my friend Dan) It’s from the vending machine at work. I’m one bite into the 2nd donut and I feel a little bit ill already. The flavor bits taste like the same blue-ish, purple in frozen blueberry waffles. The rest tastes like sorrow and sugar.

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This one nearly slipped by me. “NEW” it says, but it also says, “CLASSIC RECIPE.” Most times products stating “new” will tell you just what “new” means; new flavor, new size, new packaging. Not this dark chocolate bar. It just says “NEW” and that’s that. I flipped it over hoping to find out more. The word “new” wasn’t mentioned anywhere. But I did find this:

“Lindt Classic Recipes are carefully created according to traditional Lindt chocolate recipes for exceptional richness and smoothness. Experience this unmatched chocolate delight derived from the passion and expertise of Lindt’s Master Swiss Chocolatiers since 1845.”

New!

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The “natural product industry”! Except for something called the “product industry,” I couldn’t imagine a broader, more meaningless label. As it is, it encompasses everything from coal slurry to smallpox.

And thankfully my product was “especially produced.” Good thing I didn’t get that knockoff crap made for the unnatural product industry.

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