3 Mulligans

Now roasted with the warmth of your hands!

It’s bad enough that someone buys “artisanal” coffee from a major chain, but to buy “hand-roasted” coffee is just gross. I’m sick of everything being “hand-Xed” even for things you can’t do with your hands. So in the spirit of MAD Magazine’s Scenes We’d Like to See, I propose the following expressions:

Now serving hand-toasted bread.
To avoid harsh sunlight, we now use hand-dried tomatoes.
Hand-watched VHS tapes now on sale.
Hand-stomped grapes just like on I Love Lucy!
Need help to get rid of hand-grown hairs in your bikini area?
Hand-tasted dump cake with cheesy frosting and Pilsbury Pull-Aparts.

Honestly, coffee beans are either roasted over heat or they are raw. There is no such thing as “hand-roasting” coffee beans, unless you are Superman. If he can make diamonds just by squeezing coal hard enough, he can probably roast a few coffee beans in his hand and pull a good shot of espresso. Barring that, please stop hand-cooking anything.